How to get rid of your fellow modmakers (by Laz)

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How to get rid of your fellow modmakers (by Laz)

Post by MarcoNecroX on Mon Jan 20, 2014 5:07 am

This is something that was posted on the Phrozen Keep almost 10 years ago (oh shit) so I figured I'd share it here because
it's hilarious and a lot of things still apply these days... I did a bit of reformatting for easier reading, enjoy... Smile

- You too can drive any modmaker to suicide! Just use the following guidelines:

== Part 1 == sep.2005

Handy sentences.
- My editor doesn't work with your mod, can you fix your mod?
- I didn't read the readme about maximum line numbers, put 592349 modifiers on one item and it crashed. Fix please.
- It's been 6 hours since the last patch, where is the next patch?
- You didn't reply to my post 3 minutes ago, why not?
- What is my Diablo 2 directory???
- Can you give me step-by-step installation instructions, and/or install it for me?
- Everyone knows elemental druids suck, when will you fix it?
- Will you add more runewords, everyone knows that rares suck.
- Why did you nerf hammers? Do you know how impossible it is to kill anything with melee skills? Omg did you ever play this game????
- I made a hacked level 99 and the game is too easy/hard, just FYI.
- Which item gives conviction aura? Why not?
- I run headlong into the first boss mob with 14 defense and base vitality and I die, this mod is impossible!
- Can you increase the stash size? That one mod has a 20x503 stash.

How to frustrate the modmaker on the forum.
- I tried the mod and it doesn't work, now what?
- This mod has (a feature I don't like), and it doesn't have (a feature I like), why?
- I don't know if you can do this, but can you increase tornado damage?
- I don't know if you can do this, but can you convert the mod to 3D and add a flight simulator minigame?
- I have a great suggestion, how about skeletons with LAZER GUNS! PEW PEW PEW OMG that would be cool, and change the paladin into a NINJA JEDI WIZARD!!
- How do I install this mod?
- The mod doesn't run, it blew up my computer and caused the space station to fall on my house, but other than that, keep up the good work!
- Why don't you use some item graphics from the first Pokemon vs Predator? They rock!
- I killed Baal 5 times and he didn't drop a super item, why not?
- My character was killed, please remove minotaurs from the game.
- Amazons are too weak, perhaps you can add a runeword to fix this?
- Can you give me a list of all items with magic find?
- Everything is way too dark, I don't want to use light radius items. Plz fix.
- Zy-El has 3120495035903 cube recipes, why doesn't your mod?
- Why don't you use an expanded stash/PlugY?
- Can I install this mod along with regular CLoD? (my religion forbids me to use the search button)
- I have a ring with life steal but my sorc isn't stealing any life with ice blast, what is wrong? Here is a screenshot of the ring. (bitmap, 8.4 Mb)
- I'm using patch 0.001 beta, and I found the following issues: 1. 2. 3...
- Anyone up for a tcp/ip game? My ip is

But I am allergic to forum posts!
Send the following emails to your chosen guinea pig. Wait for a reply between each email.
1. Your mod crashes, can you fix it? (give no other information)
2. The error? I think it was assertion page stack fault dump c000005.
3. Here is the error log, all 5.3 Mb of it, copy/pasted into the email and reformatted to 40 characters per line.
4. No, I don't use easymap. (I do, but that won't affect anything)
5. Oh well, I guess I'll find another mod that works.

Instant suicide in one email (power move, use once per day!).
- I tried to install your mod but I didn't read the readme and now it doesn't work. It crashed my computer and said c000005. Why can't you make your mod work right. I can't believe this I so wanted to play this mod and it doesn't work. I guess I'll find another mod that works, I wasted two minutes on this crap. Your mod probably sucks, you can't even make it work properly. Loser.

Cool things to post on other forums.
(preferably private forums where the modmaker cannot register or post, of course)
> I played beta 0.001 and it was so unbalanced. Don't download it, it sucks.
> I tried to download it and it said file not found, but I found a mirror of beta 0.001 here, try this one.
> If the link doesn't work, I mirrored beta 0.001 here, have fun!
> This is just another power trip mod. (good thing to post on a 'legit D2' forum, regardless of what the mod actually does)

General frustro-talk tips.
-> Insert 'you made' in every sentence.
Eg. Korlic exploded and killed me in one hit. -> You made Korlic explode and kill me in one hit.
Eg. The volcano synergy doesn't work. -> You made the volcano synergy not work.
-> Don't give enough information.
Eg. The mod gives a ptSpell crash when I click on the icon list. -> Mod crashes.
Eg. I have 51 life, 8 defense and 6% fire resist, and balrogs kill me in two hits. -> Act 4 is too hard.
-> Add 'when will you fix it?' to every sentence.
Eg. The mod doesn't work in Classic D2. -> The mod doesn't work in Classic D2, when will you fix it?

== Part 2 == mar.2006

Handy sentences
- How do you uninstall this mod?
- Hey, can you help me with my mod?
- I'm your greatest fan!!! <3 But can you change this and this and that...
- When is this going to be fixed? Can you give us a deadline?
- Why did you nerf Pindleskin?
- U R GOD!!
- Can someone plz rush me?
- Which skill does the most dmg?
- I sold my skill book, what do I do now?
- HELP I got an ERROR!!
- Wtf is this 'spider forest'?
- LOL if your mod is so good, why do you only have 10K downloads?
- gg.

Fun things to post on the mod forum
If the modmaker doesn't like it, tell him to try communism.
- I played 0.001 beta and it wasn't very good imo, so many bugs and way too short.
- I don't know if [modmaker] already fixed it but 23 patches ago Baal was impossible to kill.
- Hey, I found another mod, it's called [mod] and it's much better than this one.
- Too few monsters, this mod is boring. Sorry.
- Too many monsters, this mod is tedious. Sorry.
- [Modmaker] said he's going to add 14 new character classes in the next patch.
- I'm a [socialist/liberal/conservative/libertarian] so STFU you [imperialist/commie/tree-hugger/carebear]!
- Werebears are useless in this mod, but they're godly in [mod], perhaps you could give it a try.

Fear, Uncertainty and Doubt.
- This mod is impossibly frustrating! (= I tried to rush and got owned in the dark woods at level 4)
- There are no good items in this mod. (= everyone knows MDR is useless, even 15 MDR at level 2)
- This is just another overpowered mod. (= you start the game with a quilted armor in your inventory)
- Necros are useless in this mod. (= I tried to make my usual overpowered skelliemancer but skeletons were nerfed!)
- This mod is so slow and boring. (= you can't do a Baal run in less than 5 minutes anymore)

Good reasons to play a mod
If you ever need to give a reason why another mod is better, here are some examples.
- It has lots of new skills. (= there are charged items with Prime Evil skills on them)
- There are so many cool items. (= everything has 1000% enhanced damage)
- There are a lot of new monsters. (= the modmaker downloaded all the plugins)
- It's so much fun in multiplayer. (= good items have a 1 in 100,000 chance to drop)
- Bladesins are actually viable! (= due to a bug, blade sentinel does 190K damage)
- There's just so much new content. (= modmaker copy/pasted 33,000 cubemain.txt lines)

Blame it on the rain
You don't need to know how Diablo 2 works to play a mod. They're called mods for a reason.
- I cast blizzard and sometimes it doesn't hit the monsters. Fix plz.
- Blade fury doesn't add weapon damage, I played [mod] for 1.09 and it was bugged there as well.
- I found a bug, sometimes there are spear cats in Act 5 and sometimes not.
- Omg why did you make defense be zero when running? That's retarded!
- I found a bug, I have an item with a negative '-35% more gold from monsters', and the monsters drop less gold.

Blame your own mistakes on the mod maker
Remember, you are always right and the modmaker is always an incompetent idiot.
- None of the runewords on your site work for me, I'm using beta 0.001 if that makes a difference.
- I tried to download the patch and got file not found, so I'm still using beta 0.001.
- I put that skill that says it lowers resistances under my right mouse button and nothing happens.
- Why do I have to pay to download from Fileplanet? Forget it!
- I had to click refresh twice to download this mod. Get a job and buy your own server kthx.
- What is the point of amazons in this mod? All unique bows suck!
- This mod is no fun anymore, it was so cool when you could cast one orb and kill everything on the screen!

The art of writing formal letters
If you want the modmaker to read your emails, try this.
- Don't take this the wrong way but I still think [mod] is 100x better.
- Hey dude, ...
- You are the best modmaker ever, perhaps we can play together on [bnetd server for other mod], I have a level 837 character there.
- Some background about me, I was in clan <([>>{{{GODZ}}}<<])> and I'm very good at Diablo 2.
- I'm using the fire spell, whatever it's called, it makes those flames and it's too weak, can you fix it?
- Diablo 1 was fun, I used Royal Circlet armor, rings and duped godly sword of the whale and PKed people.
- I think I'll wait for a decent mod.

I wanna make mods too!
- Can you teach me how to make mods?
- Can you send me everything I need to make a mod through email, I can't download anything.
- Can I use the maps and monsters from your mod?
- How do I use the tutorial?
- Can you give me some step by step instructions?
- Why doesn't anyone fix cv5 so it doesn't crash all the time?
- Plz install IRC so I can send you my files and you can help me.
- My mod is gonna be real cool, the boss level will be my own living room!
- Do I need all the .tbl editors or just one?

English-Leet dictionary
Handy translations you need to know.
Don't say: ... but say:

fixed -> nerfed
overpowered -> good
underpowered -> useless
exploiting -> using
killed once -> owned
killed twice -> stuck

Stupid reasons to quit a mod
Remember, the modmaker cares about his players. So be sure to quit the mod for the most ridiculous reasons.
- Nice mod, but there's not enough new stuff imo.
- Nice mod, but ithere's just too much new stuff imo.
- Charsi doesn't sell short battle bows!
- Sorry, but I just can't play without an expanded inventory.
- You removed Insight, why? why why whyyyyy?
- Nice mod, but I think it's missing something, I don't know what but [mod] is better.
- I played that other mod and it had different names for all the runes, I liked that soo much.

Error logs are for losers
A good way to frustrate the modmaker to death is to tell the modmaker just how much time you've wasted trying to solve what is undoubtedly his problem.
- The volcano synergy didn't work, so I reinstalled the game and it still doesn't work.
- There is a patch_d2.mpq in the .zip file and another one in my D2 directory, what do I do now?
- What do I do with a .rar file? I put it into my D2 directory and it doesn't work.
- Did you do that on purpose? You probably hate me just like everyone else hates me
- Do I really need 1.10? The game worked when I installed it, so I didn't download any patches.
- I got a box that said some gibberish and an Ok button, and I clicked Ok and the game closed. Can you fix it?
- Your mod destroyed my game! Omg you suck!

It's not a bug, it's a feature
Bugs are an urban legend. When I program something in Excel, I never need to debug it. Which proves that those so-called bugs are just a silly excuse to hide the fact that the modmaker hates you.
- Balrogs kill me in one hit, why do you hate melee characters?
- When I increase grizzly past level 42 it dies in one hit, why did you do that?
- I think the nova that kills you when you kill a beetle is fine, it makes them harder and I think that's great.
- This mod is so horribly imbalanced, I used the bugged runeword with +127 to static field and everything just melted. Shame.
- LOL you noob, he made cacofiends crash on purpose to make them more challenging. You have to fight them from the bottom right.

It's not a feature, it's a bug
Show off your knowledge of the game by denying that anything might have changed in the mod! Or not changed!
- I tested 262 times and sanctuary doesn't seem to affect barricade towers.
- I bought a Zod from Akara and made BotD and it didn't work!
- I have 1.08, I tried to run your mod and my computer crashed, you idiot!
- I copied your patch_d2.mpq over the one in my D2 directory and now it doesn't uninstall.
- My meteor does 40K-60K damage but can you please shorten the delay, it's too hard to aim.
- I have 18 defense and get stunlocked all the time, this mod is too hard.

The right way to fix issues
There are many ways to fix a problem, but there is only one correct way. Yours.
- Why don't you replace bone spirit, it doesn't do enough damage. Perhaps make it into a nova of homing fireballs?
- This mod is too hard, plz bring back Stormshield and CoA.
- Jewels are too rare, perhaps add a cube recipe to convert gems into jewels?
- Unique boots are useless, can you add one with oskill amplify damage?
- Charged bolt is too powerful, perhaps add a 2 second timer?
- Chain lightning is too weak, perhaps add a +5 skills runeword armor.
- Thorns is fine, my merc has it at level 66 and anything that hits my skellies dies.
- Omg you increased kick damage, everyone knows how overpowered a kicksin is in PvP with Chaos and Enigma.
- I love armageddon, don't change it! But can you make the meteors homing or something?
- Can you increase unique drop rate please? Rares suck!

Stupid requests
The modmaker is really just waiting for your flashes of divine brilliance to make his mod better!
- Can you make nova as powerful as in 1.09?
- Why doesn't chicken hack work with your mod?
- I tried to open my character in Jamella and it crashed, can you fix it?
- Please make it so you can have multiple golems, maybe one every two levels?
- HoW sucks, do you even know there are 40/15 jewels in this game?
- What do you mean there are no 40/15 jewels? That's stupid!
- Why don't you increase skill level to 50? All other mods have it.
- I want to make the Pwnage runeword and can't find a Pul, can you make Malah sell runes like in [mod]?

Empty accusations and threats
Make that pathetic little modmaker quake in fear!
- Omg you stole the frost giant monster from [mod]!
- I couldn't download this mod, so I guess I'll have to rate it a zero. Twice.
- Not a very good mod, plz make it better.
- I'll find another mod that's actually fun to play.
- Why can't I use this mod on Do you know how boring it is to level up in single player?
- Face it, this game sucks without MH!
- Mods are supposed to make the game harder, so why did you nerf blessed hammer?
- I'll post on my guild forum how crappy your stupid mod is and nobody will play it!
- Oh well, I see the modmaker wants everyone to use strafe. Good job. Really.

Exploit the system
Just so you know, bugs and balance issues are a challenge, not a problem. Finding the good bugs is more rewarding than beating the game properly, which as we all know is boring and impossible.
- I'm still playing beta 0.001 because necros are overpowered in that version.
- I tried to download version 4.28 and Fileplanet said error, so I downloaded beta 0.001 from
- I have the latest version of the mod.
- My druid is using the bugged runeword with 101% level 49 frozen orb and is currently at level 87.
- Sorcs are definitely not uber, recently I forgot to res my merc and my armor broke and I forgot to put potions in my belt and the monsters were immune to my level 51 meteor and I nearly died!
- I'm using the extended inventory plugin and my blizzard is level 56 thanks to cold charms, the mod is sooo easy. Plz make it harder.
- Just fyi, you can sell short staves for more than their gamble cost. I currently have 612K gold and bought two dozen experience potions, so I'm now at level 29 in the Den of Evil. Fun mod!
- I made a zon because they were the best class and now this. Screw this mod, I'm going back to [mod].
- Great advice for newbies, [modmaker] forgot to remove his test recipes, you can cube two healing potions to make a unique amulet.
- Can you make your mod work with pindlebot?
- This mod is so much easier if you get plugY and put all your skill points into FoH on levels with physical immunes.

1. Replace all instances of 'can you' with 'why didn't you'.
- Can you rename the character classes? -> Why didn't you rename the character classes?
- Can you increase the # of necro skeletons? -> Why didn't you increase the # of necro skeletons?

2. Compare with other mods. Always.
- Arctic blast isn't viable. -> Arctic blast isn't viable, in [mod] it does 150K damage and is very useful.
- Uniques are too weak. -> Uniques are too weak, in [mod] there are level 1 uniques with 500% enhanced damage.

3. Combine 1. and 2.
- Can you add more cube recipes? -> Why didn't you add more cube recipes, [mod] has 27,000 recipes.


_____________________ Cookie monster


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Re: How to get rid of your fellow modmakers (by Laz)

Post by jesusjuice on Mon Jan 20, 2014 5:36 am

LOL COOKIE to Marco and one to Laz tomorrow!

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Re: How to get rid of your fellow modmakers (by Laz)

Post by Inertia on Mon Jan 20, 2014 5:39 am

Lol, you should make an Ultimative version of this  Laughing 

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Re: How to get rid of your fellow modmakers (by Laz)

Post by xjry123 on Mon Jan 20, 2014 5:51 am

I'm still playing beta 0.001 because necros are overpowered in that version

should be “...good in that version”  Smile 


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Re: How to get rid of your fellow modmakers (by Laz)

Post by Aspirine101 on Mon Jan 20, 2014 6:52 am

LOL got a good laugh mate Smile thanks!

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Re: How to get rid of your fellow modmakers (by Laz)

Post by Borgin on Mon Jan 20, 2014 8:43 am

This was probably my favorite article written by Laz, I think that was the first thing that ever made me PM him. Smile

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Re: How to get rid of your fellow modmakers (by Laz)

Post by wow123400 on Mon Jan 20, 2014 8:52 am

Why?Is this a death wish?People might feel eager to try it you know?You'd better tell the banhammer to stand by  Mr Green 

I will give a cookie though.....tomorrow

Can you change your avatar back to the previous one?That one is sexier  Praying 


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Re: How to get rid of your fellow modmakers (by Laz)

Post by Metalistas on Mon Jan 20, 2014 9:05 am

TL;DR Very Happy
Can you bring back ghost arrow ?


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Re: How to get rid of your fellow modmakers (by Laz)

Post by Str0b3l on Mon Jan 20, 2014 9:55 am

any of them has not peen posted here or pmed to you marco? i guess not

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Re: How to get rid of your fellow modmakers (by Laz)

Post by whist on Mon Jan 20, 2014 10:12 am

Yeah I remember reading that long ago ^.^ Excellent


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